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Wednesday, 15 October 2014

Thought and Overwrought

Have you ever overcome the situation when you're in state of eagerly wanting for something and willing to do almost anything or everything just to get that certain 'something' ? But things dont always work out my way. Despite already doing pretty much everything i could within my capability i still didn't manage to get it. I feel hopeless.. devastated.. and ultimately despair. Till i have this kind of thought that maybe i'm not suppose to hope for anything. I don't deserve to. Don't ever hoping for something beyond your ability. What i need to do is just follow the flow. Because hmm everything happened for a reason right ? So i'm helplessly follow my pathway eventhough my inner self is screaming,
Are u really gonna live ur life like this? Abide by the things that had been arranged? You used to be so obstinate. You always get whatever you want. Now just because of this one mere thing you want to giving up? Throwing a towel? Raise a white flag?
Its not that i dont wanna fight for what i want but the circumstances doesn't permitted me to keep fighting. I need to take into consideration about my parents too. What do they feel if i keep insisting to strive for what my heart desire ? The only thing i can do is just to go with the flow with a slightly hope that there's gonna be another opportunity for me in the future.

Maybe just like what they said 'good things come to those who wait'. I finally got it. Things that i've been earnestly yearn for. Things that i haven't even once missed to ask for in my dua'. You can't even imagine the overwrought state i am at that time upon knowing the news of acceptance. I shared this delightful news with some of my friend. All of them congratulates me and keep on saying how lucky i am to be accepted.

But somehow i feel terrified. The fear of not being good enough is dominating me. The thought of how great and impressive the other kids there while i'm just a girl with plain and ordinary skill whom nothing compared to them is killing me slowly. And I think that yeah maybe I'm not supposed to go. Maybe i should just stick to where I am now.
'Yeah you should just do that since you're one coward girl whom gonna let the chance slipped away just because of your cowardice. Chickening out when you actually got the chance is just so like you right ?' I keep telling that to myself.

To be honest thats not my only concern. My another fear is i'm afraid that i might not being able to blend in with the people there. New friends, new place, new ambience. I mean yeah they've known each other since the beginning of semester and they might already had their own circle of friends or colony or something. While me? I'm just like a stranger popping out of nowhere. Not being judgemental or what but hmm i'm really afraid of that. I don't want to be a loner but i'm really bad at making friends. I just don't give a good impression to others about myself.

I feel bad to those of my friends who seems so excited and overjoyed upon knowing the news. I despised myself for being so indecisive. I loathe myself for not being able to keep firm with my decision.

Fortunately i still got uttermost supports from some of my friends. They keep convincing me that I can rock this things. I'm not lacking in anything compared to others. All I need is the greatest endeavour and determination. Because anything is unstoppable once you've set your heart to. Here one of the most inspring words from somebody that i respect, my ELC lecturer
You have to endure the negative perception and go strive for it, Allah wants u there that's why you get the offer. Effort is everything, people can brag and act as they want but at the end of the day you will gain things from your efforts.

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